I do this thing where I’ll provoke a situation hoping for a certain outcome while doing everything in my power to prevent it at the same time. It’s an art. The outcome is never the preferred one, but when you set up yourself for failure and failure is delivered should it really be consider a defeat? Or is it a success? It’s a very hard thing to achieve, but I’ve become pretty good at it. I’ll handle people in such a way that I instantly become the guilty party in the matter. I win if I lose, and I’m always the one that has something to lose, so I can only be in it to win it.
There really isn’t anyone to blame other than yourself when people do exactly what you tell them to.
– Oh yes, it’s ok to leave me here.
– You sure?
– Absolutely, I’m fine.
– Alright… I’ll go then. I really don’t wanna leave you.
– Oh me? No, no I’m alright here. You’re free to go.
– Ok. I’m gonna go then.
And just like that I’ll feel like an abandoned puppy on the side of the road. I’ll cry myself to sleep because I never wanted to be left alone in the first place. I wanted for them to chose me, no matter what I said. To insist and know me better, know me well enough to ignore my words. To outplay me at my own game. To make me lose while feeling like a winner. It bites me every time. Guess you can’t blindly test people and get mad when they don’t (or do?) meet your expectations. It’s just not fair. To them and to yourself.
Needless to say, I’m setting my self up for failure, while being completely aware of it.
Truth be told, there are many things that mean a lot to me that I don’t dare to say because I don’t want to force them onto someone else. The idea that someone could give up something they’d like to do to do something for me pains me. So I’ll hurt myself instead, right of the bat. Because logic.
I never said I was a proper functioning adult. I tend to be as messy as I’m allowed to be. I want to say I’m unapologetically messy, but it’s just not true, I apologize a lot – sometimes just for existing. It’s getting old. I should fix that. At the same time, I know I won’t. My entire existence is just very contradicting.
I understand how difficult it can be to deal with someone who constantly seeks failure. I have to do it everyday. Luckily, I’ve became very good at ignoring myself. Others haven’t mastered that yet, and I know how tiring it can be for them. I want to say I’m sorry, but truth be told, if I can’t change it, being sorry is absolutely pointless.
I’ll just be me for now, apologetic yet confined with my lack of ability to do something about it.