A quiet existence | ramblings

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It’s the middle of June. I’m sitting at a cool coffee place. It’s sunday. It’s sunny. I could say I’m content. I wouldn’t say it’s hard to make me happy, but I’m still picky about it.

Happiness comes in many shapes and forms, and to me, happiness is to be left alone with my thoughts for a little bit. I don’t find being alone sad and lonely whatsoever, it’s quite the opposite actually. Bits like this one help me keep my sanity. There’s no pressure to say the right thing, to make the conversation flow, to avoid an awkward silence.
Silence is underrated. It doesn’t have to be awkward just because it’s quiet, sometimes you can just allow yourself to exist in stillness.

It’s a difficult thing to obtain: silence. An even harder thing to find? Silence for two.

People often thing that just because you’re quiet, you’re not connected. When in fact, to me, the goal has always been to find someone I can be quiet with.

As someone who is not the best with conversation, I often struggle to find the right words, and dealing with the pressure of finding the right thing to say can be quite overwhelming, especially when you’re trying to get to know someone.

But how do you get know someone if you don’t say anything? I guess words flow once the silence is comfortable enough. When you don’t feel the pressure to say something, you can talk about anything. And that’s what I want. An easy conversation starts with the lack of need to say something.

I guess I want the impossible. I’ve always wished for something that doesn’t quite exist. And I don’t bother to settle for less than my impossible standards. I’ve grown too comfortable in my own silence to let someone else disturbe it. I want someone who will do more than respect my silence, I want someone who will understand it and crave for it as much as I do.

I don’t think that’s impossible. Or even necessarily difficult. But I do know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m wiling to sit by myself for many more sundays until I find that perfect silence for two. In the meantime I can just waste my words here instead.

 

 

May uncertain | 2018 in pictures

With may came the uncertainty. Just as I though I could take a breathe, here comes the undeniable true that I can never escape: I don’t know what I want. From life, from people, from myself. I can’t help to think that my one true nature is to sabotage myself whenever things finally start to go my way. There was no flaw, no tremble and a wide a enough safety net bellow my feet, and I was happy with my circumstances. (or was I?)

Like it always happens, a small bump turned the game for me. And I still can’t decide if it is something I could look over or if it is completely clouding my vision, I can’t tell if it is big enough to call it quits or if I’m the one creating the tempest. Of one thing I’m sure, if it makes me uncertain, then I can’t pursue it.

I’ve always been one to think that you shouldn’t take any steps further if you’re not sure that’s what you want to do. Whether you end up falling or floating is secondary, the most important thing is to want to take that step further, and you’re ready for whatever comes next. And if you’re not certain you want it, you’re not ready to do it.

I’ve been certain of many things in my life, and certainty comes to me in a blink, when I know what I want there’s no going back. However, whenever I’m hesitant I never end up happy with my decision. I refrain myself from many things because of this. If I can’t decide on whether or not I’d be happy with the outcome, I abstain from it completely.

Hence why May was difficult to me. I found myself questioning, so instead of struggling to find and answer, I eliminated the question.

But, aside from all of that, May was fun. Lisbon was sweet, I finished Mrs. Dalloway (finally) and enjoyed the little bit of sun we had. Life ain’t bad at all.

34371620_10216081758540550_2367933160978644992_nRooftops.34317568_10216081758340545_6837693651557023744_nMorning reads.34198335_10216081757180516_1289880778951360512_nSweet vandals.34459633_10216081758420547_6586928167754137600_nFriends.34258906_10216081758740555_9161560714366681088_nLisbon showing off.

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april rains | 2018 in pictures

April was filled with lazy mornings and serenity, I don’t know how else to describe the past month, mostly because, it was gone in a blink.

Aside from moving – of course, April was the sunday morning of the year so far. Slow mornings, soft songs and mild feelings, never fail to please me.

Lazy sunny mornings have always been a favorite of mine. There’s something magical about the sun peaking through the windows, a fresh cup of coffee and a comfy fluffy blanket. This combo never fails to put me in a good mood.

This past month, I tried to squeeze in as many late lazy mornings as I possibly could, and I’m pretty certain that’s how I managed to keep my sanity in these difficult times of change.

A slow start, no matter how hectic the day gets always helps.

I also read Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire and continued to fail at finishing Mrs Dalloway. I’m failing Virginia Wolf so badly, however, I can never pick up the book for more than 20 minutes. Maybe it’s the long descriptions, maybe it’s the amount of storylines, I can’t seem to focus for too long.

I’ll keep trying in May.

32821394_10215958720344672_4701586379786682368_nMornings.32717629_10215958720224669_3532444072193032192_nInspirations.
32579355_10215958721624704_2135024149737766912_nSun beams.32637177_10215958721064690_4141409983101140992_nFavourite new spot32722999_10215958721184693_4430778873478643712_nmore Mornings

march(ing in) romance | 2018 in pictures

Dear March, you were too kind. Thank you.

The past month was marked by some good books. I’ve fallen in love with poetry books and Orion’s Flux and Rupi’s The Sun and her flowers became huge inspirations. I started writing again, just for the sake of it. I’d forgotten how much I love writing, and how good it makes me feel. It’s always nice to find inspiration, and I ended up obsessed with the feeling these books give me, so I order a couple more of the same genre.

A lot changed in march. Work, home and even myself. Although it’s been difficult, changes often enlighten the constants in life, and I was pretty pleased to find what who mine were.

March was (well) spent in a sea of romance, and although I understand I’m a perpetual victim of my romanticization of ordinary things, I can’t help to let it taint my view and start seeing la vie en rose. Slowly, uncertainly, and with the laziness of a sunny sunday morning, we’ve been falling, with no strings attached and limbs sweetly tangled.

April, feel welcome.

30232436_10215711601926866_1583966148_oEveryday corners.

30232839_10215711602406878_2019833611_oSweets and friends.

30549804_10215711602166872_388056805_oReturning home.

30550724_10215711601966867_426582582_oTeam building.

30767982_10215711602366877_1405142416_oSundays to remember.

flux by orion carloto| march reads

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I read Flux by Orion Carloto in a glimpse and it left me craving more. I was upset when it ended, I related too much with Orion’s heartbreak.

I first stumble upon Orion through Youtube, one of her online platforms, and I remember that I adored the complex simplicity of her videos. One of the first I watched was called ‘Dirty Pretty Things‘, a video inspired by a book of the same name written by Michael Faudet – the book remains in my wishlist and the video remains one of my favourites. I was excited that she was coming out with a book, and I had to buy as soon as I found out.

I first grabbed the book on a sunday morning, after having woken up in a good mood before the alarm clock rang, and while I took a sip of my morning coffee I read the first pages (as it is advised by the author).

The book is an easy read, although Orion’s vocabulary is quite different from Rupi’s, the poems are still endearing and they grab your attention easily. Simple words with strong meanings.

Your unsuitable lover‘ was the one of my absolute favourites along with many others.

I took it to work with me that day, finished it that morning and in ended up lending it to a college who scrolled through the pages and fell in love with it.

I kinda miss it though, I wish I could revisit the words while I’m still hangover from them. But, sharing good books should never be a regret, and I am glad that someone else can enjoy Orion’s words as much as I can.

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the sun and her flowers | march reads

the sun and her flowers

Rupi Kaur was the first instapoet I found out about, and still remains one of my favourites. There’s something so mesmerizing about how she spits her heart out in a raw yet sweet manner. Her words are simple, yet felt, she is not trying to wow the reader, there are no flowers in her words, yet delicacy and emotion bleed through her work. Rupi Kaur’s poems are silk without the softness and I couldn’t be more honored to read them.

I first read milk and honey slightly over a year ago and I remember liking it from the first page, it was the first book I finished in a glimpse in a while. I took it with me to work, read it on the train, on the bus, during the lunch break and it ended to soon. It is important to mention that it ended on a good note. Although some pages feel like a punch, the book was kind enough to leave me without any hard feelings.

I had found out about the author through instagram, and it was instagram that let me know that a second book was coming. It was an obvious purchase, I had to buy it, for my sake. And here we are again, on the verge of finishing a book that went by too quickly.

Since I’m already missing it, I though I’d share a few pictures of my favourite pages.

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bittersweet february | 2018 in pictures

Oh dear february…

The second month of the year brought sweet encounters and a few tears. I have the feeling I’ve spent a big part of the month hiding my hands in my sleeves and covering my face with my sweater. There was this constant lack of coziness and I just couldn’t grab it. So I hid. I avoided. I was late. And I failed to share the peace and tranquility that january gave me with february.

Although I won’t remember the past month for it’s delicacy on my heart, I do have remember that it highlighted a few people in my life that maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention to before, and through the thunder came in a small breeze, that at I first I barely felt, but now seems to lodging itself in my thoughts, and it will forever change march.

It’s not much trouble, to be honest, it’s quite sweet, refreshing and it doesn’t feel too heavy to care for. I can only be thankful, for it is nice to have a glimpse of slow affection in the middle of a hurricane.

But february has passed now, and march promises change, all that’s left to do is to brace myself to embrace it.

28946107_10215407702729576_1941819535_oThere’s always a beautiful place to discover.

28928249_10215407702809578_125324802_oMrs Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself

28928513_10215407702929581_1540115832_oFun socks to lift the spirits.

28927823_10215407702569572_120907430_oSweet talks.

28944410_10215407702889580_815209984_oBoy, how I understand.