The introvert’s introspective tales| ramblings

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It’s December. Time to be merry, festive and bright. It should be a natural state, there’s jolliness in the air, you can’t avoid to inhale it every time you go out. There’s no escaping Christmas spirit. The street lights peak through the windows, they’re colorful and blinking, there’s a warm white tone in the streets at night, even the cold feels cozy.

It’s shouldn’t be this difficult. I’m a firm believer in Christmas spirit, I own a shameful amount of Christmas socks, I put up my tree at the beginning of November, I pretty much force feed Christmas to everyone in my life.

It shouldn’t be difficult to be merry, but this year something feels different. It’s not that I’m not cheerful, I’m probably still a little bit more excited about Christmas than your average human being. I’m just not me. Whoever that is. I’ve been struggling a little with myself for the past few months. Not quite sure who to be while being certain of who I am. It’s confusing. I just can’t shake off certain things. They linger onto me and I can’t seem to get rid of them. Some days I can’t even get out of my head and I’ll find myself not being able to maintain a conversation. On others, I’m so out of head I’ll became light and unattached, some would even say I’m in a good mood. I came to the conclusion that I’m more pleasant when I don’t keep up with my thoughts.

Maybe I should stop thinking so vividly. Being introspective is not a bad thing, but when you start to lose your ability to interact with others because you’re so damn lost in your own mind, it might be something harmful after all.

Not to say I feel unwell.

But if I’m being honest… I think I do.

I look at my self a lot. I do. It’s like a sort of emotional vanity. I don’t mean to say I only see good things. One will look in the mirror a lot too when the reflection isn’t the one desired. I often don’t like what I see. I write about myself a lot too. I’m writing about how much I write about myself in this very moment. This can’t be healthy and for sure this isn’t helping anyone. And I don’t even do it as an ego stroke, it’s actually more of an ego beatdown. Someone has to keep me humble. But I guess it’s time to let someone else do it. Trust that I’m surrounded with people who will be quick to put me in my place whenever I start to wonder off my usual path and just stop the beating.

It’s time to let someone else become my enemy, I can’t take the number one spot at all times. I’ve been doing it for a while, and I might have become too good at it. I need to make emends with myself and let someone else hate me instead. Maybe it’ll be easier to be inside my head after that happens. One can only hope.

What better time of the year to start forgiving than December? May it be merry, festive and bright.

Cold November | 2018 in pictures

I’ve submerged my self in the december christmas madness in such a way that I’m completely oblivious when it comes to November. I spent some time with friends, strolled around the city, had some time off work and made plans for december. Although I struggled a bit to exist some days, the majority was alright and some were exceptionally good. Guess that’s all for November.

47577812_597784617339829_7287457777776066560_n1. Touring my own city.47316984_352389321988659_9099544311485169664_n2. Warm drinks and christmas lights.47396672_966694030195088_3072434743871012864_n3. Cold days brunch.47571905_2080145648673371_2892821505064828928_n4. Last autumn leaves.47326392_1956155837815992_2894665609402908672_n5. Coffee and planning.47307625_2129277297333996_1091527992242339840_n6. Beachy days.

The Draughts Board | Christmas Stories

 

I don’t remember how old I was exactly or many years it lasted, but it’s a very sweet memory I hold on to dearly.

My mother’s brother and his wife lived in the small village that I was born in. When the heath would start to kick in we would go there to have barbecues on the weekend; when autumn would strike we would go there to pick up chestnuts and walnuts. It was a bit of a long drive, so we made the most of our time there. My uncle would always get very excited that we were there, and would often insist that we stayed for dinner.

I don’t know exactly who taught of it first, but I remember one day my mother asking me if I would mind spending Christmas at my uncle’s home. I was more than pleased with the idea, my uncle and his wife were always so sweet to me, there was no way the night was gonna be anything but fun. And I was right. It was such a success that we ended up spending a few more Christmas’s with them.

Although they had two sons, both of them were married and lived abroad, so it was just the 5 of us. We would get there in the middle of the afternoon, my mum baked the majority of the desserts at home and when we got there all that was left to do was to cook dinner. Their house was very cold, in the middle of the field, left defenseless from the winds and rains of December, the fireplace had to start burning in the morning so that we could have a warm night. We would have dinner and then right after dive into the games. My father and uncle used to tease each other while I tried my best to learn how to cheat in cards.

Way to often, Christmas night will only last until presents are exchanged, and then everyone just kind of wonders off or falls asleep. They didn’t had a lot, so there was no presents to exchange, which actually lift off the pressure. We stayed up until late in the evening playing games and just laughing hopelessly at the cheating attempts.

We would often play cards, but on one occasion my uncle brought up his draughts board. I had never played before, but got the gist of it very quickly. I remember him telling me that I could keep it, it was mine to have. I looked over my mum to see if I should accept it. You see, as I said before, they didn’t have much, and little me knew that you can’t take things from people who have less than you do. I had my cards, my board games, I was all set; although I liked the game, I couldn’t take it. It was something of his, something that once belonged to someone he treasured dearly. And I knew how attached he was to things that once belonged to someone he loved.

– But what if someone else comes, you might wanna play with them.

– It’s yours Nina, you like it so it’s yours.

– I’ll play when I come here, I’ll play with you. It’s fine, I don’t have to have it.

– Nina, I want you to have it. It’s still in the family and I know you’ll take good care of it.

He told my mother to let me accept it and I eventually did. I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated a Christmas gift so much. It might just be the most cherished draughts board in the world.

He passed away a few years later one month before Christmas Day. That board is all I have left of him.

A tale of three girls | ramblings

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She had curly hair. I remember thinking her hair was really pretty. She was also short, never chubby but a bit on the fuller side. She smiled like she was hiding something, and looked like she was above everyone else. Whether she actually was or not, I don’t know, but it seemed like she felt like she did. I wouldn’t trust her. I never had the chance to talk to her, so I wouldn’t know what she was like personality wise, I have this feeling we wouldn’t be friends. I saw her from afar and made my judgment from there.

She looked nothing like me. It made me insecure how little we looked alike. They went on to date for several years, I thought they would get married and it fucked me up a bit that I would be the last girl before The One. Aside from that, I didn’t care much that they were together. I wouldn’t call it heartbreak, it was upsetting, sure, my first big break up, but I managed well. I was surprised how little it bothered me to see them together.

The second girl was taller, had long straight hair, a cute smile and was very nice. This one looked a lot like me, everyone would say so and that only made things more awkward. She was way more outgoing which was surprising, cause he wasn’t. We could have been friends. We almost were actually.

This one bothered me a lot. I was blindsided by it completely. One day he was into me and the next he was dating her. This was the first time I was putting my heart out there and he simply walked all over it. The worst part was that she looked so much like me that it could have been me. Was I not good enough to be The One? Luckily they broke it off after a while.  For years I would think of him as the one that got away. Not anymore. Guess I’m finally cured from that curse.

I never got to meet the third girl. Never even heard of her. She seems nice I suppose. It’s funny cause she looks like a mix of the girls before her. She has straight hair, chubby cheeks, a wide smile and looks like she is immensely happy at all times. I wonder if she’s quiet or outgoing. She seems … easier to be around – easier than me. He is really found of her, it seems. They’re still together – as far as I know. This one is the one that cut the deepest. I was completely caught off guard by it, I never dared to believe he would have fallen straight into her arms so quickly. Jokes on me for breaking it off, I guess. He was long gone before I sent him away though. I always wondered if he had already started falling for her and I think it’s because of that doubt that this is the one that hurt the most. She might be The One for him.

None of it really bothers me anymore. All six could get married, go live in a closed community and join a cult, for all I care about. What stings is how they made their way through my life as if I was just part of the landscape. I guess everyone suffers from that a little. But this specific pattern made me very insecure. I can’t bring myself to fully trust people anymore. I’m always cautious, for all I know, they could move onto the next best thing tomorrow. And I will be left blindsided, not knowing what I did wrong, what happened or how I could have prevent it. People are really that temperamental, one day they’re here and the next they’ll simply be gone.

I obsessed about this so much that I found myself falling into the pattern and reversing it at the same time. I became the goner. Turns out, I’m really good at goodbyes. Blink and I’ll be gone. If I go first, they can’t leave me, and I don’t have to get hurt, because I’ll never get attached to begin with. Also, there’s not enough time to see the flaws.

I can be very tiring, all this insecurity get old after a while and people will just be done with me one day; and I’m also immensely flawed, which is why the deeper people get to know me, the easier it becomes for them to leave me.

I can’t blame anyone for wanting to leave me, what I can do, however, is beat them to it.

3rd handed faith | ramblings

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Through life, I’ve seen faith in 3rd hand. My own faith always came from someone else’s beliefs. I never believed in anything on my own. My mum taught me my first prayer when I was very little and for years I repeated it every night before sleeping, out of respect for her beliefs. Not because I though it would make a difference but because I knew it meant something for her. And if it meant something for her, it would have to mean something for me.

I don’t really maintain a relashionship with the guy from upstairs. I’m very suspicious of his intentions and I’m just not very found of the majority of his followers, some of those who pray by his book tend to be very entitled. I mean, believe what you will, it’s none of my business, but don’t shove up someone else’s throat or dare to think you’re above them.

The one thing that bothers me the most about religion is the fact that some people will hold it as a shield. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with thinking your religion is a part of you, your beliefs shape the way you carry yourself and that can be highly connected to religion. However, saying you’re a christian, for example, won’t make you a supreme human. You’re not given extra credits for fuck ups if you’re a christian. At least you shouldn’t. It’s not like you can live your life, one screw up at a time, apologize to god and just go on thinking that one day he’ll punish you in some way and you’ll just be done with that. You can’t just make amends with god and forget the people around you. Religion isn’t a shield in which you can hide from social responsabilities.

Growing up I remember being told that thunder was god’s punishment for bad deeds. What kind of god is that? A fair god they’d say. If this guy is supposed to be all things good, how come is he so petty? Who in their right mind sends thunder upon an entire region just because I didn’t finish my soup? My little self thought this was very unreasonable. That’s another thing that bothers me, people will use god as an excuse for everything and anything. That’s not right.

It’s funny how people will try so hard to advocate for god and instead they end up pushing others away from him. It’s quite ironic actually. It happens a lot.

I don’t think god should be the one to blame for the wrongs in my life, in the same way, I dont praise him for the good things. People often forget to thank and appreciate each other and instead go on to praise a figure they have no recollection off. I find that a bit unfair.

However, I must say, I admire fate. A lot. I admire that people can blindly trust something they don’t see. I admire people that have faith. I wish I could have a little bit more of that. Sadly I turned out to be a cynical. From a very young age, I’ve been suspicious of the existence of a god. It just never sounded reasonable to me. I would much rather trust people instead. One time, a few years back, I was cornered by two ladies who approached me to talk about god. They asked who did I believe would save us from this world, I bluntly said people would, we saved each other daily. They became very insolent, but I stood my ground. I think trusting in humans is a foolish thing to do, we have proven time and time again to fail to deliver, however, I find it equally absurd to trust that a higher power will came and save us all. It’s like putting all your eggs in an invisible basket.

I think having faith in each other is the way to go. Truth is, people will fail to solve your problems, but so does god. I’m one to think that every time someone choses to love me besides my wrong doings they’re saving me a little. Every time kindness is shown and given, someone gets to be saved. Every time someone shows mercy and humanity, the world heals a little. Don’t discredit people by thanking god every time someone shows benevolence.

Since I could never bring myself to trust god and his disciples, I’ve been putting my faith in the people around me. It started with my mother and her prayers, I used to pray for her, go to church for her and thank god for her. If it meant something for her that I did so, then I would. Because my mother knew best and if it was god that she trusted, even if I couldn’t comprehend it, I would trust her instinct. I grew up to have this silly belief in myself. I just know that whatever happens to me I’ll end up fine, eventually, so just gotta power through the difficult times. It might not look like it at all times, but I do have a lot of faith in the fact that I’ll turn out alright. I don’t know if that makes me a special type of narcissist, if it does, oh well. All I know is that it’s the one belief that actually brings me peace.

I don’t tend to talk about my beliefs a lot. I don’t talk about it at all. Mostly because there’s not much to believe in for me. If I go on saying that I trust the best in humanity, people will have the urge to slap me, and rightfully so. It’s silly, I know. But faith as a concept can be quite abstract. No matter what you believe in, it’s usually quite difficult to explain why you do.

I respect others beliefs as long as they respect mine. Religion – or the lack of one – is a sensitive topic, and I don’t think it’s something we should argue about. There’s no wrong or right. To each their own. I’m one to think everyone should believe in what they have to help them go through life. Just don’t think that your beliefs make you superior to others, they don’t. Don’t think any less of people just because they believe in something different from you.

I’ve seen faith 3rd handed in my lifetime, I could never bring myself to fully understand it, but I’ve grown to admire it. I don’t pretend to believe something I don’t anymore, but I don’t think anyone should be left faithless. I think people should start by trusting themselves and build fate from that.

 

 

If any of this sounds silly, it’s because I’m in my twenties and I’m not meant to make a lot of sense yet.

 

 

boyish charm |ramblings

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I’ve always been a sucker for a boyish charm. You know, when a guy is not only charming but also so aware of it that he becomes borderline arrogant. He’ll talk like an ass with an endearing smile, leaving you wondering if he truly believes what he’s saying or if he’s just aiming for a reaction. You often won’t know for sure if you should be annoyed or attracted. It’s a sweet struggle.

I like a good train wreck, as most girls do. I think everyone has that specific type of person that they’ll find themselves attracted to despite knowing better. My thing is a good old boyish charm.

Most of the boys I dated, or found myself attracted to, were really confident. Looking back, some of them didn’t had a lot of reasons to be (that’s not mean, it’s just painfully true), but they were nonetheless. And I was always attracted to that. Now, I’m not the most confident girl, so there were some moments were I would also be kinda of intimated by it, luckily (luckily?) it never really stopped me from pursuing them.

I dated a really sweet boy for a little bit. He was really sweet. Don’t think I’ve ever had any sort of romantic interaction with a sweet boy like that before, it was interesting and new. However, he lacked that slight arrogance. I would find myself getting bored of him at times, which was never fair to him. – Notice how I can say that all the others were assholes, but this one was really sweet so I feel terrible for saying he bore me. – I don’t think I’m suited for sweet boys, I’m already sweet enough. I need someone with a bit of spice in my life. A guy has to be at least a little bit of a imbecile for me to even consider being interested in him.

Falling for someone that has that unexplainable boyish charm will bring you inner conflict. It’s a given. Most of the days you won’t know if you want him close enough to hold or just ship him to another country. But that’s the fun of it. It keeps you on your toes and makes life more interesting. It’s definitely a frustration I don’t mind suffering from. I don’t know what this says of about me or my under-covered issues, I’m really not interested in finding out to be honest. But I do know that it’s a given and I can’t escape the true: I’m enticed by pretentious guys with playful smiles and an slightly insolent attitude. Bare with me if my description seems harsh, however I’ve been infatuated by – and even dated – boys like this my entire life, I’ve seen them up-close and I’m entitled to be honest. Doesn’t mean I like them any less and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

reliable | ramblings

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One thing about me: I’m very reliable. It’s not even a question, it’s something I’m very certain I am, something people around me would say, the one thing my old friends and new acquaintances would agree on. It’s a given.

I don’t mind it, in fact it’s something I like about myself. I like that I’m trustworthy.

I guess my quietness comes in handy and I’m sort of easy to trust.

It comes with a consequence that it can be quite heavy at times, people will always expect me to know best. It’s something I hear a lot when I fuck up, ‘you should know better‘, ‘out of everyone I did not expect this from you’. It fucks me up a bit more everytime. I already condemn my own failure, to know that people would be expecting more from me, makes me lose my marbles. I’ve heard it on several different occasions during my lifetime. I just do it on my own now, whenever something doesn’t go as planed and I’m the one to blame for it, I’ll say it in my head. ‘You should have known better.‘ A lot of times people aren’t even blaming me for it, but I just do it out of habit, I guess.
I’m one to believe I should know better. And most of the times I’m sure I should have, but we must fail sometimes. In retrospective it’s easy to acknowledge that most of the times I’ve freaked out about failing to know better weren’t worth the trouble. I just can’t bare to think that I’ve betrayed someone’s trust in me. If I lose my reliability I lose the one thing I’m good at.  I can’t lose that. I can’t have someone knowing me and not think I’m trustworthy.

This was supposed to be a positive outlook on myself, how did I messed it up? Turns out I can’t really rely on myself to stick with the premise.