clever girl | ramblings

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I was once told I was emotionally smart. That’s the most foolish thing I’ve heard. I have a colossal lack of understanding when it comes to my own feelings. I can’t voice them, I can’t comprehend them and I certainly cannot manage them well. I either feel them all at once, or not a all. Sometimes I can’t even be aware of what I’m feeling until someone points it out. Way too often I don’t know if a certain sentiment is there out of suggestion or if I was blocking it out. Either way, me and my feelings don’t keep a close relationship, how can that be smart?

I used to believe I was empty. As if you would go on for twenty something years in this world and simply run out of emotions one day. That’s a stupid thing I used to belive in. I belive in a lot of silly things, since I normally keep them to myself, no one ever has the opportunity to tell me I’m being an idiot. And I go on with my life, being an absolute fool because no one gets close enough to call me out. Again, not the smartest thing.

I still think I can be a bit empty at times. That’s what saddens me the most, how detached I can get from my own life and just exist as a bystander. Does everyone goes through that? It feel as if I’m hollow. Do you know the sound you get when you knock on an empty wooden box? I feel like that sometimes. Someone will knock, and all they get is a muffled sound… they are searching for some sort of an emotional response and I fail to deliver. Way too many times. I can’t help it though. Emotion is not something I can show instantly.

Thinking about it, it’s not that I fail to deliver, I’ll just take a while. I’ll fell a rush of things all at once, they come like tsunamis, out of no where. And when I feel something, I can’t deal with it properly, it’s just too much. So I’ll just malfunction altogether. For a few minutes, then on with the day I’ll go. Until the next overcharge.

I’ve been told – and it’s true – I’m very passive. You have to try really hard to get me so mad that I’ll say something. If I feel like there’s a chance I’ll regret what I say, then I simply keep it to myself. It’s just easier to handle. But by avoiding conflict, I’ve became a very conflicted person. That’s not smart whatsoever. I think healthy people are supposed to share emotions and not bottle them up. It’s a very dumb thing to do and I have no clue how to stop it. Truth be told, I’m not sure I want to stop it. That’s even dumber.

I guess I can be consider smart because I can call out my own bullshit. I know exactly what is I’m doing wrong. But what’s the point of that? I’ll only assume my wrong doings when I’m the only one listening. So how could that even count?

I’ve been told a great deal of things about myself through the years, some I believed in, some I didn’t. The fact that I can be consider emotionally smart is truly baffling to me.

 

2 thoughts on “clever girl | ramblings

  1. i feel your pain.
    that turboil of anxiety deep inside that bursts into a very silent whisper.
    i used to think that i didnt had any empathy in me, that i was cold as stone. turns out its the opposite. i think i feel to damn much and because i cant really deal with it, mostly because i’m too introvert to show it, i ignore it. and that became so automatic that created that apparent feeling of emptiness.

    people often mistaken me too, as a very relax, laid back person. if only they knew… it couldn be any further from truth.

    we’re feelers. when things get too much too fast we ran away. at least i do.
    some people keep it into themselfs others scream it into the emptyness of nowhere. i’ve tried the wolf clothing and it didnt suit me well.

    so as far as i can tell, i wont change, things wont change for me (that’s a given) and i kinda made my peace with it. i’ve rolled the dice and hope for the best.
    so far im losing, but theres still hope, a bit of light. it aint much but at least it beats darkness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “…I belive in a lot of silly things, since I normally keep then to myself, no one ever has the opportunity to tell me I’m being an idiot. And I go on with my life, being an absolute fool because no one gets close enough to call me out…” Hey, for what it’s worth, i’ve called you an idiot more than once. So AH, wrong you are. Btw, nicely written.

    Liked by 1 person

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