miscasted | ramblings

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I’m waiting for a colleague to pick me up, we’re going to small work gathering and I keep thinking how the hell did I got myself into this. Not in a bad way, I really don’t understand how in the world I can fit into this equation. If you were to tell me three years ago, that I would end up going out to have dinner with this set of people, purposefully, I would have laughed out loud.

These two fools at work like me. I have no idea why, but I know they do. Or maybe they don’t, and they’re just pretending they do, if that’s the case, props to them, making me believe someone actually likes me is an achievement on it’s own.

Either way, I know they do. Maybe it’s because they’ve gotten to know me, maybe it’s because they don’t know me well enough. It’s actually not fair to say they don’t know me well enough, since I’ve shared with them some things that I never taught I could share with anyone. I really dislike myself when I’m stressed and when I mess up, they’ve seen me at both and chose to like me either way, so I guess I can’t be that hopeless after all. There are some people who question their liking for me, I’m right there with them. Hey, I hear you, this is nuts. But I guess a couple paragraphs into this and we already came to the conclusion that there’s nothing either of us can do to change it. Move past it.

There are a few more people at work that kinda like me. I think they have their days with me, sometimes they’ll like me, sometimes they’ll tolerate me. That’s fine, most of the days I don’t have a heart, so I can’t say it affects me much. But when I forget to leave my feelings at home, it gets to me a bit and sometimes it get to me a lot, and when it does, I’m a crying mess at work. Which is never fun. What can I say, I wanna be liked. I wanna be perfect in what I do, and when I’m not, I cry. Yes, I’m adulting like that. Don’t judge me.

I guess I’ll be second guessing my place in this cast the entire evening, it’s just something that I do. People haven’t been really this inviting towards me, well, ever. It might be because I’m really not accessible to begin with, I don’t talk much and I’ll often refrain from being part of a conversation. I swear, these two idiots in particular really insist. I have no idea why. But they ended up getting to me. And now I like them. Ugh.

I don’t really wanna go anywhere anymore, although I fail to comprehend how, truth is I feel like I belong. Most importantly, I don’t feel like a broken dish anymore. I’m whole, still split, but whole. It’s confusing I know, but it’s just a side effect of life.

I still can’t help to feel a bit miscasted. Like I’m sort of a fraud and there are at least 20 other people who could do my job and be more pleasant to be around with. Being a better company than me is not a difficult task whatsoever. And I think there’s a chance they’ll still realize this before it’s too late. I wish they don’t, I’m kinda of attached to this two fools now.

 

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