emotionally lazy | ramblings

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I’ve been told that I’m emotionally lazy. I can see why someone would think that. I live my life in a medium temperature, very rarely will I get excited about something and upsetting me is so difficult that those who succeed should earn an olympic gold medal for achieving it.

I don’t know exactly when it was the first time that I just gave up on feeling, but I do know that I’ve been doing it for a while now. If it was a sport, by now, I would be a pro. It’s not like I gave up on feeling, actually, one can’t simply decide not to feel anymore. That’s not a thing that happens. But I do became numb to a lot of things. At least, I’m numb at first sight. Eventually all this first sight disregard will catch up to me but normally I’m the only one present when that happens.

But yes, being emotionally lazy, emotionally unavailable, is my thing. There’s an going joke amongst friends with the fact that I don’t have a heart and that I have to google what certain feelings are. To be fair, it’s not completely untrue. It’s no secret that me and my feelings don’t keep a close relationship, however, I can’t help to wish that people would encourage a different behavior from me. More people in my life have told me to burry it down, rather than to own it. So, why would I do otherwise?

I also feel like I’m not entitled to my feelings, so I’ve learned to shrug them off whenever they could provoke any damage. I’ve kinda lost track of what I’m aloud to feel nowadays and I go on without feeling a lot. I’ll even shut down things that are completly harmless, just out of habit. I’ve showed emotion before and was told I was not entitled to it. Maybe I wasn’t. Still, for someone who doesn’t do it a lot, to be told you shouldn’t feel whatever it is that you’re feeling takes a tool. Specially if you’re vulnerable when you hear it. You’ll become very self aware of the feelings you chose to express.

I’ve grown very protective of my emotions, I’ll show them at very rare occasions, and only if I can’t help it. For better or worse, whether they are more or less pleasant, I’ll only show them if I’m left with no other choice. I always think it’s a big mistake and I’ll regret it later. Normally, I’m right. I always end up regretting sharing what goes on inside this seemingly empty shell. I would have given up on this terrible habit only if life proved me wrong once in a while. It doesn’t though.

The worst part of being emotionally lazy is the fact that often people will forget that having feelings is actually something I’m capable of. Most of the times it’s alright, I’ll forget it too. But sometimes it’ll hurt. And I don’t know what to do with it when it hurts. Because being hurt by something I was told is also not something I’m entitled to feel. Funly enough, knowing that, doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I don’t wanna show so little that people will think I don’t feel at all, that drives people away. I also don’t wanna get told off for feeling the wrong thing, that also drives people away. Growing old completly solo is also no ideal, however it seems to be the only thing I’m good at. Driving people away is my forte. I wish it wasn’t.

So that’s that. My perpetual cycle of struggle: how to procrastinate less emotionally while sharing only what’s truly needed and don’t end up completly alone in life. Seems hopeless.

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