reliable | ramblings

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One thing about me: I’m very reliable. It’s not even a question, it’s something I’m very certain I am, something people around me would say, the one thing my old friends and new acquaintances would agree on. It’s a given.

I don’t mind it, in fact it’s something I like about myself. I like that I’m trustworthy.

I guess my quietness comes in handy and I’m sort of easy to trust.

It comes with a consequence that it can be quite heavy at times, people will always expect me to know best. It’s something I hear a lot when I fuck up, ‘you should know better‘, ‘out of everyone I did not expect this from you’. It fucks me up a bit more everytime. I already condemn my own failure, to know that people would be expecting more from me, makes me lose my marbles. I’ve heard it on several different occasions during my lifetime. I just do it on my own now, whenever something doesn’t go as planed and I’m the one to blame for it, I’ll say it in my head. ‘You should have known better.‘ A lot of times people aren’t even blaming me for it, but I just do it out of habit, I guess.
I’m one to believe I should know better. And most of the times I’m sure I should have, but we must fail sometimes. In retrospective it’s easy to acknowledge that most of the times I’ve freaked out about failing to know better weren’t worth the trouble. I just can’t bare to think that I’ve betrayed someone’s trust in me. If I lose my reliability I lose the one thing I’m good at.  I can’t lose that. I can’t have someone knowing me and not think I’m trustworthy.

This was supposed to be a positive outlook on myself, how did I messed it up? Turns out I can’t really rely on myself to stick with the premise.

2 thoughts on “reliable | ramblings

  1. I’m sure we have differences, but wow it’s like reading my thoughts from 5 years ago. I was going to say 10 but who am I kidding g? I was still dealing with this mental crap when my 2 year old was born, although to a lesser degree. If you’re as much like me as you seem, you will wonder if people think you’re self-absorbed or whiny for writing these things. Some people will absolutely think that, and those people are narcissists. Keep writing. Even and especially when it feels pointless.

    Like

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