She had curly hair. I remember thinking her hair was really pretty. She was also short, never chubby but a bit on the fuller side. She smiled like she was hiding something, and looked like she was above everyone else. Whether she actually was or not, I don’t know, but it seemed like she felt like she did. I wouldn’t trust her. I never had the chance to talk to her, so I wouldn’t know what she was like personality wise, I have this feeling we wouldn’t be friends. I saw her from afar and made my judgment from there.
She looked nothing like me. It made me insecure how little we looked alike. They went on to date for several years, I thought they would get married and it fucked me up a bit that I would be the last girl before The One. Aside from that, I didn’t care much that they were together. I wouldn’t call it heartbreak, it was upsetting, sure, my first big break up, but I managed well. I was surprised how little it bothered me to see them together.
The second girl was taller, had long straight hair, a cute smile and was very nice. This one looked a lot like me, everyone would say so and that only made things more awkward. She was way more outgoing which was surprising, cause he wasn’t. We could have been friends. We almost were actually.
This one bothered me a lot. I was blindsided by it completely. One day he was into me and the next he was dating her. This was the first time I was putting my heart out there and he simply walked all over it. The worst part was that she looked so much like me that it could have been me. Was I not good enough to be The One? Luckily they broke it off after a while. For years I would think of him as the one that got away. Not anymore. Guess I’m finally cured from that curse.
I never got to meet the third girl. Never even heard of her. She seems nice I suppose. It’s funny cause she looks like a mix of the girls before her. She has straight hair, chubby cheeks, a wide smile and looks like she is immensely happy at all times. I wonder if she’s quiet or outgoing. She seems … easier to be around – easier than me. He is really found of her, it seems. They’re still together – as far as I know. This one is the one that cut the deepest. I was completely caught off guard by it, I never dared to believe he would have fallen straight into her arms so quickly. Jokes on me for breaking it off, I guess. He was long gone before I sent him away though. I always wondered if he had already started falling for her and I think it’s because of that doubt that this is the one that hurt the most. She might be The One for him.
None of it really bothers me anymore. All six could get married, go live in a closed community and join a cult, for all I care about. What stings is how they made their way through my life as if I was just part of the landscape. I guess everyone suffers from that a little. But this specific pattern made me very insecure. I can’t bring myself to fully trust people anymore. I’m always cautious, for all I know, they could move onto the next best thing tomorrow. And I will be left blindsided, not knowing what I did wrong, what happened or how I could have prevent it. People are really that temperamental, one day they’re here and the next they’ll simply be gone.
I obsessed about this so much that I found myself falling into the pattern and reversing it at the same time. I became the goner. Turns out, I’m really good at goodbyes. Blink and I’ll be gone. If I go first, they can’t leave me, and I don’t have to get hurt, because I’ll never get attached to begin with. Also, there’s not enough time to see the flaws.
I can be very tiring, all this insecurity get old after a while and people will just be done with me one day; and I’m also immensely flawed, which is why the deeper people get to know me, the easier it becomes for them to leave me.
I can’t blame anyone for wanting to leave me, what I can do, however, is beat them to it.