what goes on inside | february

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There’s this pit in my stomach, I didn’t knew a void could feel so heavy. I should be hungry but my throat is closed. Eating feels like a burden and not a necessity. It isn’t cold in here, how come am I shivering? My forehead is burning, my eyes are heavy, I want to sleep, but I’m restless. I can’t seem to find the right compass to breath. No deep breath is deep enough to slow the pace of this frenetic heart. I wonder if it will get better soon, I just wish I could stop existing for a bit. Where can I hide? I can’t move much, not precisely. I can’t see properly either, everything is blurry. It’s almost as if I’m not in sync with my body. Do I look okay? Because I feel unsteady. I wonder if it shows. I hope it doesn’t. I can’t really put into words how I’m feeling or explain why I feel what I feel. Truth is, I’m clueless. On top of everything, I’m clueless. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I started to feel like this. I can’t explain what’s behind it. I’m going through my mind and I can’t seem to find any plausible reason for me to be anything other than absolutely fine. If all the books are right, I should be fine. Why is it that I’m not? Everyone tells me how I don’t have the age, the look, the conditions, the everyday life of someone who isn’t fine. It’s frustrating that I’m feeling something everyone tells me I’m not entitled to. Yet I do. Why is it that I’m not fine? If I can’t find the answer, no one else will validate my uneasiness. And I’m so tired of being alone in this.

I’ll just lay down for a bit, this will pass eventually, maybe in a few minutes I’ll feel better. I’ll just exist quietly for now, to make up for the noise inside. In a couple hours I’ll get up with tired eyes and a fatigued body, but I’ll be up. And that’s something.

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