People will stay things that will stain you. Just because they said them doesn’t mean they’re true. I know that now. But now, I can no longer wash away the damage. I’ve tried (have I?).
I know that because I’ve heard said things and I know that because I’ve said such things.
Things were said to me that I haven’t forgotten. Words that came out of my mouth once still stab people I care for. That’s a knife I can’t remove. There is nothing I can say that will undo the fact that I’ve said them aloud. To someone else.
I’m one to think you are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, but when you chose to say them out loud you become responsible.
Way to often I’ll refrain myself from speaking my truth, simply because it is only my truth. My perspective will always be tainted by my experience and that makes me untrustworthy. As it should. I’m one to think you should always take my words with a grain of salt, because I know very little about an immense amount of things. In order for me to speak openly (I rarely do so), I have to be comfortable (I never am). Usually, my words are measured, but even I, sometimes fall into comfort and share my thoughts. These words come from a place of vulnerability. Whenever I catch my self thinking out loud, I regret it instantly and these words become something I can’t ever bare to hear again. If I could go back in time and take back things I’ve said, I would without a blink. The idea of minimizing my existence is a pleasant one. If I could just be a slight breeze, I would. But we must all be hurricanes sometimes.
I used to have someone in my life that would use my vulnerability against me. I made a promise (an unhealthy one) to my self: I would never be caught off guard again. From then on, I would stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, I’d simply keep it on lock down. My heart and my mouth. So I did.
Hearing the words: You’ve said that … will always shake me to the core. No matter what follows. The fact that someone was paying attention is quite scary. The fact that someone can memorize what I said and potently allow it to taint their life makes me want to never speak again. For good and bad, I couldn’t never be permitted to have such a responsibility.
Seeing the damage my words can make will always burn me more that the things I’ve been told. I can shrug off the things I was told, sure I can’t always forget them, but I can minimize them. However, the responsibility that comes with blatant honesty is not something I can carry. Also, the backlash, it’s not something I can handle. The things we say are often boomerangs that eventually come back to hurt us. The fact that someone can hold that the of power over me is not something I can live with.
I still have scars from the words that were said to me, but the wounds that remain open are the ones from the things I said that ended up being used against me. Things I said in what I taught what a loving, safe environment were all were thrown at me at some point. And if you feel a sting on your chest when someone says something hurtful, wait until someone uses the words you shared when you were vulnerable against you. An entire crater will open in your heart.
This is the type of nonsense I shouldn’t be aloud to think. But I do. In retrospective I can see that it’s insane and wrong. I couldn’t acknowledged that it was nonsense because I was keeping it inside. I guess. It’s not something I should be thinking. But I am. It’s not something I should live my life by. But I do. The words you say can and will be used against you. Sonner or later. This isn’t just something I’ve been told, it’s something I’ve been shown. How could I forget that?