can’t let him know| february

I can’t let him know
how I miss him
and how my heart aches
at the thought of him.
I can’t let him know
that my hands are
missing his curly locks
and my back craves
his touch
I can’t let him know
how my nose misses
the crock of his neck
and how is scent
is endlessly comforting
to me.
If I fail,
and make him aware
that my body aches for his,
then he’ll leave me,
in a blink.

How to set up yourself for sadness: a guide | ramblings

 

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I do this thing where I’ll provoke a situation hoping for a certain outcome while doing everything in my power to prevent it at the same time. It’s an art. The outcome is never the preferred one, but when you set up yourself for failure and failure is delivered should it really be consider a defeat? Or is it a success? It’s a very hard thing to achieve, but I’ve become pretty good at it. I’ll handle people in such a way that I instantly become the guilty party in the matter. I win if I lose, and I’m always the one that has something to lose, so I can only be in it to win it.

There really isn’t anyone to blame other than yourself when people do exactly what you tell them to.

– Oh yes, it’s ok to leave me here.

– You sure?

– Absolutely, I’m fine.

– Alright… I’ll go then. I really don’t wanna leave you.

– Oh me? No, no I’m alright here. You’re free to go.

– Ok. I’m gonna go then.

– Bye.

And just like that I’ll feel like an abandoned puppy on the side of the road. I’ll cry myself to sleep because I never wanted to be left alone in the first place. I wanted for them to chose me, no matter what I said. To insist and know me better, know me well enough to ignore my words. To outplay me at my own game. To make me lose while feeling like a winner. It bites me every time. Guess you can’t blindly test people and get mad when they don’t (or do?) meet your expectations. It’s just not fair. To them and to yourself.

Needless to say, I’m setting my self up for failure, while being completely aware of it.

Truth be told, there are many things that mean a lot to me that I don’t dare to say because I don’t want to force them onto someone else. The idea that someone could give up something they’d like to do to do something for me pains me. So I’ll hurt myself instead, right of the bat. Because logic.

I never said I was a proper functioning adult. I tend to be as messy as I’m allowed to be. I want to say I’m unapologetically messy, but it’s just not true, I apologize a lot – sometimes just for existing. It’s getting old. I should fix that. At the same time, I know I won’t. My entire existence is just very contradicting.

I understand how difficult it can be to deal with someone who constantly seeks failure. I have to do it everyday. Luckily, I’ve became very good at ignoring myself. Others haven’t mastered that yet, and I know how tiring it can be for them. I want to say I’m sorry, but truth be told, if I can’t change it, being sorry is absolutely pointless.

I’ll just be me for now, apologetic yet confined with my lack of ability to do something about it.

A review | ramblings

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I’m not one to believe in new year resolutions, I tend to see life as an on going parade. With that being said, I do like to look back quite a lot. Someone who used to be in my life told me many times that I lived in the past, that’s not it. I like to use the past as a reference, so I do it often. It keeps me shielded and I know that’s not always a great thing, but for someone who knows very little about life, all the experience I have is worth saving.

Looking back on 2018 can only be bittersweet. The past year feels like a lifetime. Many things changed, a few others stayed the same. The weirdest part is how I don’t feel a glimpse of nostalgia. It is what it is and I’m well acquainted with my condition, I’m actually very grateful for being where I am today. To be fair, the year was actually fairly sweet, I was the one that was bitter. I’m trying to work on that.

I don’t think 2019 is capable of bringing me inner peace, that’s on me to do. I realized that I lazed out emotionally on several occasions, with several people, and that has to change. I can’t live life half asleep, although it’s easier in the moment, this type of thing will bite back later on. This is something to continue to work on.

I also realized I’ve matured, in spite of everything, because waking up at 9 am is no longer waking up early, so I guess I managed to do so something right. I fixed my lateness issue, that’s something worth drinking for! Cheers to me and cheers to breakfast for providing a good reason to get out of bed.

I made new friends. In all honesty, I though my quota was already filled, but I guess the heart is an elastic muscle. I don’t regret it, at all. I think they’ve made my life a little bit easier and definitely a lot more interesting. It’s baffling to me why someone would be interested in dealing with this cemented block I call a heart, so I’m grateful, thankful and very appreciative of them.

Life definitely become more than a quick succession of busy nothings, proof of that is that I found my will to write again. Turns out, people can be very inspiring and cute boys will provide some good poems occasionally. Why it took me so long to realize, one will never know.

Time to turn the page, whatever that means.

 

when ice cracks | ramblings

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Slowly but surely, winter arrives. You missed the change, when you noticed you were already frozen. Your bones feel like their made of glass, thousands of little needles are piercing through your skin all at once, you have frost bites on your fingertips, from touching things you shouldn’t have. You realize you should have prepared better for this winter, but how could you when it caught you off guard? It’s too late to light up a fire, there’s snow all around.

You see a light once in a while and start to wonder it it’s warm. You want to grab it, beg it to stay, and as you reach, you hear the first crack. You keep trying, you’re shattered by the end of it. Pieces are falling, you’re too cold to do something about it. You’re limbs are frozen, one would think numbness can’t hurt, surprisingly, it does. You remember how in the summertime flesh would heal fairly quick and wonder if ice as the same ability. There answer to that: no. You just keep breaking. One the colder days, the cracking slows down, the cold seems to preserve you better, so you just sit still and watch as life goes by. If the sun dares to peak, or when the light approaches, the cracking restarts. You start to prefer the cold. It’s less painful in the long run.

You do question if there’s still blood running under this icy cover, but don’t actually dare to find out. What if you bleed? The ice, at least, protects you.

People tell you that you’re cold, they can’t bare to be around you. You brought this upon yourself, they’ll say, but you can’t really recall the beginning of winter. You go on, blaming yourself for the side effects of a mistake you don’t remember making. As cold as ice. Fragile like glass, soft like snow, still you’ll take a blizzard wherever you go.

3rd handed faith | ramblings

3rd

Through life, I’ve seen faith in 3rd hand. My own faith always came from someone else’s beliefs. I never believed in anything on my own. My mum taught me my first prayer when I was very little and for years I repeated it every night before sleeping, out of respect for her beliefs. Not because I though it would make a difference but because I knew it meant something for her. And if it meant something for her, it would have to mean something for me.

I don’t really maintain a relashionship with the guy from upstairs. I’m very suspicious of his intentions and I’m just not very found of the majority of his followers, some of those who pray by his book tend to be very entitled. I mean, believe what you will, it’s none of my business, but don’t shove up someone else’s throat or dare to think you’re above them.

The one thing that bothers me the most about religion is the fact that some people will hold it as a shield. I don’t think there’s nothing wrong with thinking your religion is a part of you, your beliefs shape the way you carry yourself and that can be highly connected to religion. However, saying you’re a christian, for example, won’t make you a supreme human. You’re not given extra credits for fuck ups if you’re a christian. At least you shouldn’t. It’s not like you can live your life, one screw up at a time, apologize to god and just go on thinking that one day he’ll punish you in some way and you’ll just be done with that. You can’t just make amends with god and forget the people around you. Religion isn’t a shield in which you can hide from social responsabilities.

Growing up I remember being told that thunder was god’s punishment for bad deeds. What kind of god is that? A fair god they’d say. If this guy is supposed to be all things good, how come is he so petty? Who in their right mind sends thunder upon an entire region just because I didn’t finish my soup? My little self thought this was very unreasonable. That’s another thing that bothers me, people will use god as an excuse for everything and anything. That’s not right.

It’s funny how people will try so hard to advocate for god and instead they end up pushing others away from him. It’s quite ironic actually. It happens a lot.

I don’t think god should be the one to blame for the wrongs in my life, in the same way, I dont praise him for the good things. People often forget to thank and appreciate each other and instead go on to praise a figure they have no recollection off. I find that a bit unfair.

However, I must say, I admire fate. A lot. I admire that people can blindly trust something they don’t see. I admire people that have faith. I wish I could have a little bit more of that. Sadly I turned out to be a cynical. From a very young age, I’ve been suspicious of the existence of a god. It just never sounded reasonable to me. I would much rather trust people instead. One time, a few years back, I was cornered by two ladies who approached me to talk about god. They asked who did I believe would save us from this world, I bluntly said people would, we saved each other daily. They became very insolent, but I stood my ground. I think trusting in humans is a foolish thing to do, we have proven time and time again to fail to deliver, however, I find it equally absurd to trust that a higher power will came and save us all. It’s like putting all your eggs in an invisible basket.

I think having faith in each other is the way to go. Truth is, people will fail to solve your problems, but so does god. I’m one to think that every time someone choses to love me besides my wrong doings they’re saving me a little. Every time kindness is shown and given, someone gets to be saved. Every time someone shows mercy and humanity, the world heals a little. Don’t discredit people by thanking god every time someone shows benevolence.

Since I could never bring myself to trust god and his disciples, I’ve been putting my faith in the people around me. It started with my mother and her prayers, I used to pray for her, go to church for her and thank god for her. If it meant something for her that I did so, then I would. Because my mother knew best and if it was god that she trusted, even if I couldn’t comprehend it, I would trust her instinct. I grew up to have this silly belief in myself. I just know that whatever happens to me I’ll end up fine, eventually, so just gotta power through the difficult times. It might not look like it at all times, but I do have a lot of faith in the fact that I’ll turn out alright. I don’t know if that makes me a special type of narcissist, if it does, oh well. All I know is that it’s the one belief that actually brings me peace.

I don’t tend to talk about my beliefs a lot. I don’t talk about it at all. Mostly because there’s not much to believe in for me. If I go on saying that I trust the best in humanity, people will have the urge to slap me, and rightfully so. It’s silly, I know. But faith as a concept can be quite abstract. No matter what you believe in, it’s usually quite difficult to explain why you do.

I respect others beliefs as long as they respect mine. Religion – or the lack of one – is a sensitive topic, and I don’t think it’s something we should argue about. There’s no wrong or right. To each their own. I’m one to think everyone should believe in what they have to help them go through life. Just don’t think that your beliefs make you superior to others, they don’t. Don’t think any less of people just because they believe in something different from you.

I’ve seen faith 3rd handed in my lifetime, I could never bring myself to fully understand it, but I’ve grown to admire it. I don’t pretend to believe something I don’t anymore, but I don’t think anyone should be left faithless. I think people should start by trusting themselves and build fate from that.

 

 

If any of this sounds silly, it’s because I’m in my twenties and I’m not meant to make a lot of sense yet.