A nice girl | february

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I went to college for a brief period of time, still I managed to find some good people there. There was this particular girl that really stood out to me. We used to catch the same train, although I’m not really one to start a conversation, we would sit together so often that we eventually befriend one another. Most of the times we would sleep through the whole journey, but sometimes we would talk about college, the books we were reading or just little nothings to fill in the silence. She was easy to talk to.

It was the beginning of my second year, from what I could gather her first year hadn’t been spectacular but she still thrived in spite of it. She was pretty, very quiet but approachable. Once you got to know her you would find out she was pleasantly nice and could even be a bit funny at times. Although she didn’t really seem to connect with anyone in particular, she got an invitation to all the gatherings. It was always a gamble, would she show up or not? But at the beginning of the second year, she started to show up. A lot. Everyone was excited about her different take on the new year and from outside, it looked like she was enjoying it as well.

Once, while at a party we talked briefly about it, she told me how she felt like she missed out on a lot on the first year and wanted to seize the college opportunity more. She sounded more cheerful than usual and had an excitement that would shine through her words. Still, something felt off. There was a certain emptiness in everything she said, almost as if she was convincing herself as much as she was convincing us.

I notice she started to stay over more often. She would go to parties and drink a little bit too much, she would get very talkative and slip up some information about her once in a while. No one really knew that much about her, so it was nice to find out little things. It still seemed like she wasn’t comfortable enough to talk freely, she didn’t want to talk about certain things, it seemed as if hopping she would forget them herself.

I really didn’t pay enough attention to notice when exactly it was that things started to turn south, but they did. She started cutting class so that she could sleep through the hangovers and she would only show up if there was a party later, otherwise she didn’t bother coming to college at all. Everyone still liked her, but her niche got smaller. She started to hang out with the girls that went out the most. There was nothing wrong with that, but it was a very different behavior from the previous year. You would see her often at six in the morning stumbling home, going through cigarettes like it was candy.

She ended up disappearing completely one day. We later found out she had a really bad break up. She was kind of alone, that boy often seemed to be the only reason she was still there and apparently that had been swept away. It was unfortunate that whole situation. It’s too bad such a nice girl would give herself up for a boy like that. I was always left with this sour taste in my mouth, I wish I could have been more of a friend to her. It seemed like she needed someone who would have dared to ask the right questions. She kept everyone at bay, so the truth is that there wasn’t much to be done. You can only get as close and someone will let you. I tend to do the same thing so I understand where she is coming from – the less they know, the less they can hurt you. But it also means that you’ll be left helpless eventually. And I guess that’s what happened to her.

I have no clue as where she could be now, but I hope she found her path and herself. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and what I know now I didn’t knew then, I can only learn from looking back. But I hope I can be more of a friend to the girls in my life today than I was to this girl before. Support them when they need it and call them out when they start to fall out of grace. Sometimes all you gotta do to help someone is dare to ask the right question.

my good opinion once lost is lost forever | february

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I don’t trust easily. Once you meet me it’s easy to arrive to this conclusion. I tend to be very reserved and quiet around people I don’t know that well and it takes years to win my trust. I just don’t get comfortable around someone easily. It’s not necessarily a good thing, it can be lonely, but it isn’t bad as well, it keeps me safe.

At the same time I’ll develop a certain empathy towards people and often feel for them when life isn’t kind. People succeeding isn’t something that bothers me at all, specially when I know they’re deserving of it. I’m not a fierce competitor, I’m confident in my worth and don’t get scared easily, I don’t think my place is something someone else could take, so I tend to be very comfortable in my abilities. My biggest struggle is often with myself, not with others. I’ll struggle if I’m aware that I should have done better, not because someone else did it better than I did. Rooting for someone else to succeed is not a hard thing to do at all.

Although I tend to relate to people easily it takes me a while to connect with them. Some people have a good gut, I don’t, so I have to be very cautious. I don’t want to be in a place where I’ll regret trusting someone again.

Sometimes I’ll get this itch.. I’ll really want to root for someone but somehow can’t bring myself to trust them. Which is ok, these two things don’t have to be intertwined. But I just hate it when my instinct is proven to be right. I’m sort of a pessimist, so being right always has a sour taste.

I grew a very thick skin and I can be very unattached – specially when I’m suspicious of someone. I’m hard to reach, it’s true. However I wouldn’t say I’m difficult, and I most certainly don’t make anyone’s life difficult. Still, if at first someone left me feeling reluctant, I’m not capable of finding it in me to ever trust them.

I might be extra cautious, and I might be unfair, but my restrain has never failed me. My trust on the other hand… The few times I’ve given it have given me some good and bad experience. I’m not really sure I understand why anyone would crave my trust. It really doesn’t come with many perks.

I’ll apologize nonetheless: forgive me if I’m wary. In no way, shape or form will I ever share my tainted opinion about someone to my benefit. Don’t think less of me just because my words are short.

appearances| february

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My nose on the crook of your neck
Arms, legs and spirits tangled.
Being this comfortable with someone
seems like a foreign concept.
Allow it to look like love
while I devour poetry books
and think of you;
let me find you in their verses 
even if we’re not 
half as intimate
as the authors and their muses.
i’m not certain I can 
shower you with affection
but I promise to write about you
as if you were
my faithful tragic lover.
We’ll pretend it’s love
to fake heartbreak later,
for the sake of good verses.

 

Two AM | february

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2 am and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season

She texted me after work, asking if she could come by my house. I made us tea, wrapped her in a blanket and held her till she ran out of tears to cry. She’d been bruised, not in a way that you could see, still when she told me it hurt, I believed her every word. We have a type of bound I haven’t heard of before, it’s more than understanding, I feel her pain as if it was my own.

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize, hypocrites,
You’re all here for the very same reason

When I got there she’d already been lost for a while. I asked where she was, they just shrug. Everyone is just doing their own thing, apparently there had been a fight, she was no where to be found, and that was that. They all seemed so accepting of that as a fact, I didn’t knew whether to be mad or disappointed. I wanted to yell at them, to let them know that’s not how you treat her, that she deserves better than to be left wandering alone in the streets during the night. They would never understand.

I didn’t knew where she was, I would have been just as clueless as them, if I didn’t knew where I would go if it was me. It took me a few minutes, and there she was, curled up, sobbing helplessly. I run to her and wrap my arms around her. We didn’t talk, she stopped crying. After a while she started making small talk. Everything was gonna be alright.

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe.

More often than I would like to admit, I’ve found myself feeling on the verge of losing it. When that happens and I find myself sitting in front of my locker failing to hold back the tears or sitting on the bathroom floor struggling for air, she’s the one that comes to mind. When I cry for help she responds in a blink. There’s not a lot that can be said but she always finds the key words. I feel a little bit less insane when I talk to her. I can’t bring myself to voice thoughts so freely with anyone else.

May he turn twenty one on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.

He’s sitting in front of me at caffe, tears in his eyes, he’s almost whispering but the desperation in his voice is loud. I always know the right thing to say but I can’t bring myself to say what he wants to hear. “She wants to break up with me“. I’m at loss for words. Let her, you’re gonna be fine, it’s the best thing that can happen to you. He’s way to in the dark to see that clearly. He will someday, I know (in hindsight, I was right). Yet he’s breaking in front of me, asking for help, and I don’t have the tools to help him. For once I can’t help and it frustrates me to the bone.

Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But my God it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Once again I’m at a caffe in the middle of the afternoon with a boy on the verge of tears. But from him I never expect this. He was always my support, the one I knew I could tell everything. Yet, while I gave him every word, he always gave back very little. Whenever I pointed out this discrepancy he would say that was simply our dynamic: he would help me with my issues and I would distract him from his with mine. I didn’t like but I could accept it. Because of this it was surprising when after a couple years without seeing each other, he texted me saying that he was in need of a friend.

Vulnerability was not a trait I ever though I could see in him, but I was there to hear his struggle and to help out in the best way I could. I always think of the first thing he told me when we sat down: I’m sorry if this is unexpected, I just needed a friend to talk to and you came to mind.

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
But you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
These mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
We were in the middle of rehearsal, laying down on a gym mattress. While everyone ran around wildly we were looking at the ceiling, talking.
– I think I should break up with him.
– I think so too. What he’s doing to you isn’t right.
– I don’t know if I can.
– You’re gonna be fine. I’m here for you. You’re not gonna be alone. You can do this. I promise you’ll feel a lot better after. What you’re feeling now isn’t what you’re supposed to be feeling.
He did for me what I couldn’t bring myself to do for him. I never expected him to say that so bluntly. I thought I would feel betrayed after hearing that, funnily enough, I felt safer after those words. If before I had believed that that relationship was all I had, he made it known to me that I had a safety net. With just short, straight forward conversation. Turns out, that wasn’t the best relationship I could have, in fact, it was far from it.
Two AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to
So breathe, just breathe.

blackout | february

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Was wondering if I could steal you for a little bit. It won’t be long, I promise. If I fail to keep my promise you can stay a bit longer to complain. I won’t mind the company.

They said memory will break into fragments before it fades away, while I have you here, we can try to glue the pieces together. I understand our work is ill-fated, we are domed from the beginning, nevertheless I’d like the chance to fight. We can’t win but we can bruise. I’d like to leave a mark, so that when fate arrives we can face it with our heads held high. I’d like to avenge the memory of you.

You run your fingers trough my hair as if there was nothing but love in you, yet I know you’re struggling. You would adore me to the bones if only you could put together the letters that form my name. It is all right, I know you misplaced it somewhere, don’t worry. Sooner than I’d like, you’ll mislay your affection too. Torment can find me then.

They said it will get worse and never better. You’ll catch some beams of light every now and then, but time will bring you complete darkness. I wonder how many sunsets you still have. Are your days still sunny at all? Or are you living in a foggy winter? Are the flashes you see occasionally sun beams? Or is it just happenstance? I’m curious because that’s all I have left to be.

Life is slipping away from you and you can’t remember to grab it. Let me steal you for a little bit, I’ll reverse the clock, we can go back to summertime. Share your burden with me, I’ll help you find the letters to all the names you no longer remember. Whenever I fail to live up to my task, stay a bit longer to complain. I won’t mind the company.

 

december | 2018 in pictures

The one thing that it’s notably true about December is that it’s long gone. This recap is long overdue, but this blog would be incomplete without it. At this point there’s not much to add, so here it is, the farewell to 2018 in pictures. Hopefully 2019 will bring some picture worthy adventures.

1. Cozy settings.2. Setting up pictures.3. The usual spot.4. The socks take over.5. Escapes to the beach.6. Christmas reads.7. Reflections.